The Calcium Kid (2004)
He doesn't just beat his opponents... He creams them.
Starring: Orlando Bloom, Omid Djalili, Michael Pena, Billie Piper, Rafe Spall, Tamer Hassan, David Kelly, Ronni Ancona, Michael Lerner, Frank Harper, Mark Heap, Arthur Nightingale, Lyndsey Marshal, Tamzin Griffin, Peter Serafinowicz, Maddy Ford, Frank Bruno, Chris Eubank
Director: Alex De Rakoff
Running Time: 89 minutes
US MPAA rating: RUK BBFC rating: 15
Comedy
On DVD You've got to hand it to Orlando Bloom. Despite clearly being rubbish, he's so far managed to chalk up appearances in a host of major blockbusters - and 'Ned Kelly'. Perhaps, though, there'll be more than a few people who rent the atrocious Brit-com 'Calcium Kid', point out the fact that Bloomers actually manages to be one of the better things about it, and suggest that he's finally found his level. Ooh, we're a nasty old bunch, aren't we?
This rank rotten mockumentary charts the build-up to a world championship middle-weight boxing bout, in which Bloom's Jimmy Connelly is set to compete after accidentally injuring the original contestant (Tamer Hassan). Despite having never taken part in a proper fight in his life, our Jimmy is taken on by ratty promoter Herbie Bush (Omid Djalili), handed the moniker "Calcium Kid" (because of his real life occupation as a milk man), and thrown in at the deep end to go one-on-one with top Mexican-American pugilist Jose Mendez (Michael Pena).
Chock-full of terrible, predictable jokes and horrendously under-developed characters (Billie "Because We Want To" Piper is on-board as Jimmy's love interest, but only manages five lines), this scabby-budgeted comedy takes a dive in the first round and never gets back up. The only participant who manages to raise even a hint of a smile is Rafe Spall as Jimmy's best mate Stan - like pretty much everyone else in the film, he's playing a poorly thought-out caricature, but at least he shows a bit of comic talent and, more importantly in this case, the ability to flog a dead horse.
DVD Extras: Deleted scenes, out-takes, and - get this - some footage of the auditions for 'Billy Elliott: The Musical'. If ever there was something to make you want to take the toaster into the bath with you, it's that last one.
It's Got: More product placement for milk than you're ever likely to see outside of a dairy farm - and Hell, let's face it, at least the cows there are more likely to give you a bit of a laugh.
It Needs: To throw in the towel.
Alternatives: Mike Bassett: England Manager, Black Ball
Summary: A boxing comedy minus the punch line.
Review by Gary Panton
Review Date: 22nd October 2004
External Links
Official Web Site
The Calcium Kid at the IMDB
Comments5 Comments |
| You suck. this movie rocks. you have no taste so dont critisize things you know nothing about. I'd like to see you try.. Bloom was excellent. so shut up. |
| Comment by:- ugi | | 20 November 2004 | ip: logged |
| is the DVD already out in America?? i soooo want ot see it because Orlando is a great actor! |
| Comment by:- anonymous | | 25 November 2004 | ip: logged |
| Bloom can't act - get over it, kids. |
| Comment by:- Word | | 29 November 2004 | ip: logged |
| who cares about Bloom, Maddy Ford is where it's at!!!! |
| Comment by:- Anonymous | | 09 December 2004 | ip: logged |
| Can anyone tell me why it's rated R? I would really like to see it, but not if it has a bunch of bad stuff that no one needs to see anyway. Thanks! |
| Comment by:- Luthien | | 19 December 2004 | ip: logged |
